Jokes

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once
again asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax
refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding
stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject financially impotent for
an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one
got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only things that are
good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic
dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a
mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the
morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after
finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

Real Panic

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last month my wife ran off with a cop. I saw you chasing me and panicked, afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer, smiling approvingly.

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

 

A cop got out of his car and the guy who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. To that the guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the driver on his way without a ticket.

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

 

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband
in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would quit cheatting on me!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to cut down?"

 

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

 

See attached

 

To impress a woman:


Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.

Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her.

Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand.

Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



To impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.