Why you never question a drunk.... A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while he said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the motor. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at the damned thing to get it started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope a while... it'll come back to you."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in a another city. The first said "I had a big house built for Mama" The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house" The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading her Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible, it took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes - she wrote: "Milton the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but have to clean the whole house. Thanks Anyway" "Marvin, I am too old to travel, I stay home, I have my groceries delevered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was nice, thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby surround sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and am nearly blind, I'll never use it, but thank you for the kind gesture." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious, thank you
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman,"but it did happen to me sister."
Why Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to a party, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
I can't wait for the Leno and Letterman jokes to start, regarding Viagra being beneficial to enlarged hearts. They'll probably start off with something like "Viagra - enlarges one organ while help shrinking the other."
Yeah something like - Healthy Heart and Head! So much for the 'way to a man's heart is through his stomach. . . ' More like 'Stiffen your heart and keep your head up. . . . .'
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M." "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that"
1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 i tem he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. AND FINALLY... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."