1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce, instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". 10.You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00pm. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00am would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. 19. You go to the pharmacy for ibuprofen(?) and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE Element : WOMEN Symbol : WO+ Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg. Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Boils at room temperature 2. Freezes without any known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter, if incorrectly used. 5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. 3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be great aid to relaxation. TESTS 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy. 2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen. POTENTIAL HAZARD Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other. !! WARNING !! PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS ABOVE PROPERTIES ARE SHOWN BY ALL THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD
British Letter of Complaint to ISP ((What follows is an example of British humour in a complaint letter sent to a British ISP. It suggests three things: 1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable or alarm companies (NTL is a cable operator in Britain); 2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint; and 3) This may provide good fodder for your next letter to ______________ â¦)) Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since July 9, 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking, and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with myself for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 PM and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important on-hold moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I truly thought British Telecom was crap, and they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. Regards, John
Sex and Shopping. . . . I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly.
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a Police officer during a felony trial-it went like this.... Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender...Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. . . . . With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and we think he'll win.
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual." 9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." 13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin. 14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 15. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Do Lipton emplyees take coffee breaks? Should you trust a stockbroker who is married to a travel agent? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to the pan? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? What if there were no hypothetical questions? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour to get out of the water? Why is 'abbreviation" such a long word? How do 'Don't walk on grass' signs get there? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If a word in a dictionary was misspelt, how would you know? Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them? What keeps glue from sticking to the inside of the bottle? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? What's the speed of dark? Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
A passerby noticed two city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you walks ahead and digs holes in the ground, and then the other guy immediately fills each one back up again." At which point, the second of the city workers explained, "You see, the middle guy who plants the trees is off sick today!"
THEY HIRED HIM AT WAL-MART!!! This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. (They hired him because he was so funny). NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.