Jokes

How To Shoot A Bear On Your Roof

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog."

 

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, I'm telling you!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change YOUR course, sir, now!”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! The biggest &&^^%%$$ battleship of the American Navy! I’m not changing course! You do what I tell you, you &&^^%%## seaman, or else!!!”

There is one last reply: “I’m just a lighthouse. Your call. Sir.”

 

(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? F
Relationship failed.

Now that Half Life 2 is out, I need to refocus my priorities.

You have been unsubscribed from my dating list. Please click this link to confirm.

I need a lover who understands that 20 hours a day on the Internet is normal.

I don't think we should date any more, but we can still be on each other's buddy lists.

I'd like a true beauty so I don't have to spend so much time photoshopping your ugly face out of our photos.

It's like in X-Men number 135, where Cyclops and Jean Grey (as The Phoenix)...

Let's face it. You love Intel, and I'm an AMD man. It's not going to work out.

What do you mean your EULA says that once I've removed the shrink wrap I can't return it?

After you e-mailed me your full-body shot, I realized I was looking
for someone more feminine

 

Baseball in Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

 

Children

1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it."

5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

6. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting IN!

11. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

 

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

" . . . . . Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

Football player’s wife: “I hate it when my husband calls leftovers ‘replays.’”

TV executive’s wife: “My husband calls them ‘reruns.’”

Mortician’s wife: “Be thankful. My husband refers to them as ‘remains.’”

 

"Is that your final answer?"

 

A student nurse was quite excited, because she was going to give her first injection. Her patient was an elderly gentleman in need of his insulin medication.

She carefully drew up the insulin into the syringe, and, remembering what she had learned, lifted his hospital gown discretely and advised him, "There'll be a little prick."

The gentleman, with a twinkle in his eye replied, "You're not only a nurse, but you're a psychic too?"