W goes to visit reagan at the hospital... they're talking about Iraq, and bush tells reagan that saddam probably has a bunch of warheads we don't even know about... reagan asks bush "does he have any Imperial Walkers?" bush nervously replies "we don't know" and makes a mental note to look into that... (a bung original)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?". Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"
It's a wonder we ever learned this language! Reasons why the English language is hard to learn: 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or, goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. ENGLISH was invented by people, not by computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which is, of course, not a race at all...) That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
After a long journey trying to cross a vast land, Joe got totally lost and decided to stop at the next small farm to ask for directions. The farmer answered the door and explained, the best he could, how Joe should backtrack all the way to the nearest highway. "So far, so good," thought Joe as he was walking back to his car. It was then that he noticed a three-legged pig, that was also pulling a makeshift wooden leg behind it, as it was trying, unsuccessfully, to keep up with the other pigs in the pen. Upset at that extraordinary sight, Joe decided he had to return and ask some troubling questions. "What, that pig?" the farmer retorted. "That, my friend, is a wonderful pig. Two years ago, that brilliant pig pulled our baby boy out of a burning barn, taking a huge risk to save our only son's life." "Yes, but..." Joe tried to counter. "The following summer," the farmer continued, "that dedicated, loving pig, saved my own life by throwing me a rope while I was drunk and sinking in the swamp, down there." "Yes, but, the leg..." Joe was still trying to get in the conversation. "And just last month," the farmer pressed on, "that beautiful, smart pig warned us that an earthquake was coming, so that we all were able to get out of that other barn you see in a pile down the other side - and saved everybody's life, all sixteen of us." "Yes, yes, I understand," Joe yelled on top of his lungs, "but what about the leg that's been torn off, and that horrible wooden peg? I can't.... No one could... What about those?" "Well, my friend," the farmer said with a calm smile and an all knowing wink, "you can't possibly eat that kind of a pig in one go!"
The great, big, magnificent eagle finally knew that he was ready for the Big Journey. He waited for the sun to just peek over the horizon, looked around his vast kingdom, and took off for greater hights, the greatest. After many days of the most difficult flight, he finally made it to the very top of the highest mountain, and approached its highest, majestic peak, proud at his ultimate achievement. Total victory, the accompishment of a lifetime of a powerful competitor, was finally at hand! But, just before settling on the bare rock at the very top, the eagle spotted a snail that was already sitting there, apparently enjoying the warm sun rays in the cold air. "What in the world!..." the eagle yelled. "A snail! A small, disgusting, slimy, weak, worthless creature! Up here! What?" "Hello, eagle," the snail answered, "welcome to my throne! Have a seat... down there if you don't mind!" "But, how in the world did YOU make it up here?" the huniliated eagle blurted out. "How?" the snail said in a confident manner. "But, of course, I took the best way... hiding, crawling, and sucking up!"
A Drunk Asks a Priest A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. Eating lunch one day, the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedule, so they decided that he would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and she would follow him the next day. Upon arrival as planned, the husband checked into the hotel, and then decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, saw the computer on, and read the email that was open on the screen: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived I've just arrived and have been checked in. I'm so glad you'll be joining me tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine. P.S. Sure is hot down here!