1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MEMORABLE MERGERS Xerox and Wurlitzer -- (The new company plans to make reproductive organs.) Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.) 3M and Goodyear (The new company will be called MMM Good.) John Deere and Abitibi-Price (The new company will be called Deere Abi.) Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil (The new company will be called Honey, Im Home.) Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining (The new company will be called Mine All Mine.) Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants (The new company will be called Poupon Pants.) Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women (The new company will be called Knott NOW.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da) Motorola and Enron (The new company will be called MORON.)
Famous Faith Sayings: A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets. -Arthur C. Clark Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. -Hebrews 11:1 "To see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." --Benjamin Franklin "Faith means not wanting to know what is true." --Frederich Nietzche "Faith is believing what you know ain't so." --Mark Twain Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding," --Reverend Martin Luther All I know is that without faith, deception is impossible. And to my experience, the only thing in the universe that really requires faith is a bad liar. Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. -From the movie, "Miracle On 34th Street" "Faith is believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe." -Voltaire Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it. -Samuel Butler Faith is knowing there is an ocean because you have seen a brook -William Arthur Ward The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason -Unknown first have faith in those around you, but most importantly always have faith in yourself! -reese witherspoon legally blonde When logic fails,faith begins -Unknown Faith in someone gives you support, while faith in yourself brings courage. -Bryan "hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier." -Anon Faith moves forward, Doubt looks around, Unbelief turns back. -Jose B. Cabajar It is easier to walk on water with faith, than to walk on thin ice with fear. -Scott Johnson But how can you be sure? -Faith.....It's like the wind, i cant see it, but i feel it --jaime( a walk to remember) Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe. -St. Augustine Faith in yourself will guide you to the right choices. -Ashley FReelove if you have faith in faith, then faith will always be faithful to you -kingy It takes a lot more faith to live this life without faith than with it. -Peter De Vries Faith is something entirely possessed by children, and they don't know they have it. -Ed Howe Faith without works is like a bird without wings; though she may hop with her companions on earth, yet she will never fly with them to heaven. -Francis Beaumont Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian "When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." --Barbara J. Winter It is useless to tell one not to reason but to believe --you might as well tell a man not to wake but sleep. Lord Byron 1788-1824, British Poet The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. --Albert Einstein It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believe in myself --Muhammad Ali
1. You can GET chocolate. 2. âIf you love me youâll swallow thatâ has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wonât mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word âcommitmentâ doesnât scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You donât get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate thereâs no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesnât make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesnât matter; itâs always good
A Message to the Women We Love * If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. * Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. * Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. * Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again. * If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. * Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. * Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks. * Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. * Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. * When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. * You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. * Crying is blackmail. * Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. * Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! * No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. * Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? * Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. * Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. * A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. * Foreign films are best left to foreigners. * Check your oil. Please. * Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. * If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. * Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic. * You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. * Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. * The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better. * ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. Fuchsia, however, is extremely ugly. Do not wear it. * We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. * If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. * Don't fake it. He'd rather be ineffective than deceived. * Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. * Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. * If you keep asking for flowers, it can never be a surprise when you get them. * If he ever sees you kiss another girl and you appear to enjoy it, he'll remember that moment until he's been dead for 1,000 years. * The best things in life may be free, but chances are they also have something to do with sex
A blonde female Sheriff's deputy pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde deputy tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde deputy. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde deputy rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a law enforcement officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they mo ved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?. B U Y A G R A Injectable st imulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyon e too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
TRUE Tales - Taken from a Medical Journal: A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX ********** At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA ********** One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart" --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada ********** I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA ********** During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA ********** While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR ********** I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI ********** And Finally (always leave the best for last). . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name _____________________________________________
A tip for guys! I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure that I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33 According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not