Two psychiatrists met at their 20th medical-school reunion. While one was vibrant, the other looked withered and worried. "So what's your secret?" the older looking psychiatrist asked. "Listening to other people's problems all day long for years has made an old man of me." Replied the younger looking man, "Who listens?"
This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmer's market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while she was in the store. It was from the Carnation Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words or less. The Company furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all..." about those little cans of milk found on grocery store shelves. So she completed her jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk Company. A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a man from Carnation Milk came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it was unfortunate the company could not publish it. In lieu of this fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1000 for creativity. Here is her entry: "I like Carnation best of all... No tits to pull, no shit to haul... No barns to clean, no hay to pitch... Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch!"
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun that fell down the stairs. What's black, white, and laughs? The priest that pushed her.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again. God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
Subject: The Irish Daughter The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!
A woman walked up to a wrinkled, very old-looking man who was slowly rocking in a chair on his porch while softly shaking involuntarily from head to toe. "I couldn't help noticing how quiet you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise. I sleep very little and make love to any woman I can find, as often as I can. I do all kinds of drugs everyday. I fight with my relatives and have no friends, no-one who cares for me or whom I care about. I never go to any doctor or take any medication whatsoever. My thoughts are dark and horrifying, and I start planning my suicide every morning... only to chicken out later in the day because I'm certain I'll go to hell for all eternity!" "That's amazing," said the woman, "and, still, you've lived so long, all these years... By the way, how old are you?" "Thirty-two," he said.
Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole. Osama said, âWe don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves. âUncle Sam said, âThatâs nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
Stamps A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "O my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."
Risky Statements 1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People" 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate Sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!" 13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying Sex. 14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. 15. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk." 16. The early bird STILL has to eat worms. 17. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. 18. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. 19. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. 22. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 23. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 24. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor. 25. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager. In front of a growing crowd of customers the manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" as a larger crowd gathers near! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!