It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, wi th some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when Iâm finished with you. And you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now get your mind out of the gutter and get back to work!
Air Traffic Control-Her During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right". Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I Tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??" Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Baby Names - Based On Profession Accountantâs daughter... Ira Bakerâs daughter... Cookie Bartenderâs daughter... Brandy Bird-Watcher's daughter... Robin Book Printerâs daughter... Paige Butcherâs daughter... Patty Clothing Manufacturerâs daughter... Polly Esther Day-Traderâs daughter... Hope Fisherman's daughter... Annette Floristâs daughter... Rose Gamblerâs daughter... Bette Gastroenterologistâs daughter... Fanny IRS agentâs daughter... Monee Jewelerâs daughter... Opal Justice of the Peaceâs daughter... Mary Lawyerâs daughter... Sue Meteorologistâs daughter... Haley Ministerâs daughter... Faith Moving company execâs daughter... Cari Musicianâs daughter... Melody Politicianâs daughter... Patsy Publisherâs daughter... Mag Singerâs twin daughters... Harmony & Melody Televangelistâs daughter... Charity Trout Fishermanâs daughter... Brooke TV Show Starâs daughter... Emmy Watchmakerâs daughter... Wendy Woodworkerâs daughter... Peg Athleteâs sons... Jacques & Victor Barberâs son... Harry Beauticianâs son... Curly Bricklayer's son... Mason Carpenter's son... Woody Cattle Thiefâs son... Russell Chefâs son... Stu Counterfeiterâs son... Bill Doctorâs son... Bill Entomologist's son... Nat Espresso Vendorâs son... Joe Exercise Guruâs son... Jim Fisherman's son... Rod Gambler's son... Chip Gardenerâs son... Moe Geneticistâs son... Gene Hair Stylistâs son... Bob Highway Patrolmanâs son... Chase Homeopathic Doctorâs son... Herb Hot Dog Vendorâs son... Frank Housewifeâs son... Dusty Iron Workerâs son... Rusty Jesterâs son... Josh Kindergarten Teacherâs son... Skip Knight's son... Lance Landscaperâs son... Phil Lawyerâs son... Will Lion Tamer's son... Claude Lumberjackâs son... Glenn Manicuristâs son... Hans Mountain Climber's son... Cliff Movie Starâs son... Oscar Museum Curatorâs son... Art Painterâs son... Art Plumberâs son... John Sound Stage Technicianâs son... Mike Steam Shovel Operatorâs son... Doug Swimmer's son... Wade Teacherâs son... Mark Thiefâs son... Rob Undertakerâs son... Barry
Bob grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Bob picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. " This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Bob rattled instructions. Finally, Bob put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
A carpet installer decided to take a smoke break after completing installation in the first of several rooms heâs working in. Finding his cigarettes missing from his shirt pocket. He begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet installation. Not wanting to rip up the carpet for a lousy pack of cigarettes, he simply walked over and pounded the lump flat. Then he decided to forgo the break and continue work in the other rooms. At the end of the day heâd completed his work and started loading up his tools into his truck. The lady of the house admired her new carpet and thanked him for a job well done. Just as he spies his pack of cigarettes on the truck dashboard, the lady asked him, âHave you seen my parakeet - heâs not in his cage?â
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. There they proceed to fall off the ladder, dropping the tape measures, the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife comments, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife adds, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." As the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking, Sir."
There was an old farmer who lived way out in the countryside. He and his wife were very happy together, and things were going well for them. As it got closer to Christmas, they had both been busy trying to find the one thing that would make the other happy during the holiday. The night before Christmas, the old man and old woman went to bed, and had just gotten to sleep when they were suddenly awakened by a tremendous noise from outside. The crashing and thudding were tremendous. Fearing the worse, they ran to their window and looked out. What they saw astonished them. They had never seen such destruction in their life. Their barn had been half blown over, the pig sty was destroyed, their corral was completely ruined. As they followed the path of destruction along, their eyes came on to their old outhouse. There in the middle of their freshly destroyed farmyard was a sleigh, with several reindeer all stamping and stumbling around. At the lead was a small, fat man all dressed in red. He was screaming at the lead reindeer. "YOU DUMMY...I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!!!"
Dear Abby, My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves abig fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the ass hole will buy me a diamond. Sincerely, Bitchy in Boston (aka Tampa's Wife)