After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep." Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down." "What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni. "Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket. The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, "No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car." So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car." So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car." We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station . . . ================ What do electric train sets and women's breasts have in common? Answer: Both were intended for kids, but it's the dads who play with them.
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. He was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?" "Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied. "Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. The man landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution. The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. He did it again, and nothing happened. By law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him. Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy. "Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor. "A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy. And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any traces of banana, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. The law is the law; they had to let him go. Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. And it was not long before his temper got the better of him. Same old stuff. The old man had no ticket (he "forgot to buy it"). The conductor threw him off the train, and the man died in hospital. The conductor was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. As before, when it came to his last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners. They strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead. The prison governor shook his head in disbelief, but authorized his release. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!" The guy replied, "I just like bananas." The executioner screamed, "Then how come you don't die?" "I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled. Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly another car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "No, we're not!" insisted the lawyer. "Of course you are!" yelled the policeman. "For example, you're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my God", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!?!"
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" ******************************** An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ********************************************** Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says... "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. ******************************************************* An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" ******************************************************************* Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. This other man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A beloved wife? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "No, you don't understand, this was my wife's first husband!!!"
An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Florida immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "OK, dear, it was a great idea and itâs done. They ARE coming for Thanksgiving and are even paying their own way!"