Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does this tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear). BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
12. Life is actually sexually transmitted. 11. Being healthy is merely the slowest possible way for someone to die. 10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich! 9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks. 8. Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying there in hospitals dying of nothing. 6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you hundreds of dollars while a substantial tax cut saves you a few cents? 3. In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now that the world really is weird, people take Prozac to make it seem normal. 2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. Have you ever noticed that it bears a very close resemblance to the first? AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH: 1. Many terrorists entered the U.S. legally and hung around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years), and the government couldn't catch them. However, consider Blockbuster, for example. If you're just two days late with a video rental, those people are all over you. Maybe the U.S. should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Over the next few days he received thousands of letters, phonecalls, and emails. In one way or another, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine, please!"
NEW TURKEY RECIPE Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving. 1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. Watch your guests' faces... :eek:
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." Suddenly the man became very strong, dove in and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the ability to cross the river." The man had an inspiration, cut down a large tree, built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river in the best possible way." He then turned into a woman, looked carefully, spotted a passerby, asked for directions, was shown a bridge and walked across it to the other side!
If you're not familiar with THE WORK OF STEVEN WRIGHT, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal ideas from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.