My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when sheâs wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns Whatâs the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Whereâs the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Arenât you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnât notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I havenât spoken to my wife in 18 months - I donât like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A man walks into a store and says,"Give me a pound of Polish sausage." The man behing the counter says, "You must be a Pollack." The customer says, "So just because I ask for Polish sausage, you immediately assume I'm a Pollack. I suppose if I'd come in here and asked for Genoa sausage you'd have assumed I was an Italian?" The man behind the counter pauses for a minute and says, "No." The customer then says, "Well, if I'd have asked for Vienna sausage, would you have assumed I was Austrian?" Again, the man behind the counter pauses thoughtfully and says, "No." The customer then says, "So how come just because I ask for Polish sausage you immediately assume I'm a Pollack?" The man again pauses for a second and then answers, "Because this is a Hardware Store?"
Q. What is African roulette? A. That's 6 African women that give you blow jobs; but one is a cannibal. Q. What is the hottest item in Russian department stores? A. Underwear labeled: January, February, March, April . . . . Q. British General addressing Australian troops: Did you come here to die? A. No mate, we came here yester-die. Q. What do you call a dozen Greek women in a sauna? A. Gorilla's in the mist. Q. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A. The sheep can hear zippers! Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff? A. They push back harder. Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A. The Stones sing, "Hey you get off of my cloud" while a Scotsman says "Hey McCloud... Get off of me ewe!"
Iraqi Television Schedule January 21, 2000 MONDAYS: 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 10:00 Allah McBeal TUESDAYS: 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right 9:00 Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things 9:30 Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 10:00 Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 U.S. Military Secrets Revealed 8:30 When Kurds Attack 9:00 Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah 9:30 Just Shoot Me 10:00 Veilwatch THURSDAYS: 8:00 Matima Loves Chachi 8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads 10:00 Diagnosis: Heresy FRIDAYS: 8:00 Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot 8:30 Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other 9:00 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things 9:30 Achmed's Creek 10:00 Matlock
princess diana, gianni versace and freddie mercury finally get to be heard at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that people have been extra nice these last few years and so Heaven was pretty much full. Only one of them could enter and as he could not decide between them he would let them each present their case. Gianni starts: "I will make Heaven a wonderful place with gaye colours everywhere. All the angels will be drenched in silk laden garments of such beauty not seen before." Freddie retorts: "But your Heaven will be such a dull place without my haunting melodies. The wonders of song alone will make Heaven really excel !" Diana remains silent at her turn. She produces a large glass of water. She drinks it. Wiggles about a bit. Then she lifts up her skirt, drops her panties and pees into the empty glass. St. Peter leaves them for some minutes then returns to pronounce Diana the undisputed winner. Freddie and Gianni immediately start protesting. "Gentlemen, gentlemen! You know the rules, " St. Pete interjects, "A royal flush beats a pair of queens ".
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for a year!"The guy goes home and that night, he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So he lies in bed with her and says, "1-2-3," and suddenly gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?
The old couple is celebrating 60 years of marital bliss. Throughout the party, the man is are very loving to his wife: "Yes, my love... " "Come here, darling... " "Would you like some help, my beautiful? " "Whatever you say, my beloved... " and so on... One of the guests just can't help it any more: "I'm just wondering, how did you guys manage to keep your love alive for so long? he asks the man of the house. "What do you mean?" the host asks back. "I mean, all these loving words, like 'my love', 'darling,' 'my beautiful.' etc - this shows real affection and commitment to each other. How did you manage to keep it alive for so long?" "Oh, that, " the old man answers. "You see," he lowers his voice and approaches a bit closer, "I've forgotten her name!"
Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes." The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" "I wiped my hands on the drapes."