They way I always heard it was something along the lines of: "The weather's here, wish you were beautiful."
Women's Perfect Breakfast: Your son's picture on the box of Wheaties Your daughter's picture on the cover of Business Week Your boyfriend's picture on the cover of Playgirl Your ex husband's picture on the milk carton. DS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Confidential Memo Intercepted this weekend: ELITE FIGHTING GROUP ENLISTMENT The Pentagon announced today the formation of an ELITE FIGHTING GROUP called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRNSF) The boys of this unit, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss, and Boo, will be dropped behind enemy lines. They will be given the following information about Iraqi Terrorists: 1. The season opened last weekend. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. THE WAR SHOULD BE OVER IN A WEEK, 10 DAYS IF WE GIVE THEM TRANSPORTATION TO AFGHANISTAN.
A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer. The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Canadian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. "The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian. He says, "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
California's Health Care's Test For Alzheimer's Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith. "Well one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith, "Can't we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have California Health Care and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith. "California Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her!"
Dumb Things Said In Court [Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by insightful witnessesâ¦] 1. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? No. Did you check for blood pressure? No. Did you check for breathing? No. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? No. How can you be so sure, Doctor? Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 2. You were not shot in the fracas? No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. 3. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 4. You were there until the time you left, is that true? 5. I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. That's me. Were you present when that picture was taken? 6. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 7. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 8. What happened then? He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Did he kill you? 9. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 10. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 11. Were you alone or by yourself? 12. What is the meaning of sperm being present? It indicates intercourse. Male sperm? That is the only kind I know. 13. Can you describe the individual? He was about medium height and had a beard. Was this a male or female? 14. How long have you been a French Canadian? 15. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision? 16. Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? I went to Europe, sir. And did you take your new wife? 17. Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 18. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 19. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? By death. And by whose death was it terminated? 20. Do you know how far pregnant you are now? I'll be three months on November 8. Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? Yes. What were you doing at that time? 21. Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? I used to be. How many times have you committed suicide? 22. So you were gone until you returned? 23. She had three children, right? Yes. How many were boys? None. Were there girls? 24. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 25. You say that the stairs went down to the basement? Yes. And these stairs, did they go up also? 26. Lawyer: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame ionization detectors. Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels? Only on the floor models. 27. Have you lived in this town all your life? Not yet. 28. All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to? Oral. 29. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Yes, I have been since early childhood. 30. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 31. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Dennington? It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time, is that correct? No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Three guys are going to go to jail and each gets one request before they get put away for a year. The first guy says, "I want a year's supply of beer." So the guards give him his beer and put him away. The next guy says, "I want a woman." So they give him a woman and lock him up. Then, the third guy says, "I want a year's supply of cigarettes. So, they give him his cigarettes and lock him up. A year goes by and the guards come around to let the three guys out. The first guy comes out totally drunk. The second guy says, "We're getting married!" The third guy says, "Anyone got a match?"
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is to be considered as âunacceptable fireâ, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the âfires.â NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.