Pierre, the French fighter pilot is having a picnic with his girlfriend. Girl: Kiss me Pierre, kiss me. Kiss me on the lips. Pierre opens the picnic basket, gets a bottle of red wine, pours it over her lips, dives in. 10 minutes later comes up for breath. Girl: Oh, Pierre!!! That was magnificent but why the red wine? Pierre: Because I'm Pierre, the French fighter pilot and when I have red meat I drink red wine. Girl: Kiss me Pierre, kiss me. But lower. Pierre opens the picnic basket, gets a bottle of white wine, pours it over her breast, dives in. 10 minutes later comes up for breath. Girl: Oh, Pierre!!! That was excellent but why the white wine? Pierre: Because I'm Pierre, the French fighter pilot and when I have white meat I drink white wine. Girl: Kiss me Pierre, kiss me. But lower. Pierre opens the picnic basket, gets a bottle of brandy, pours it over her crotch, and lights it up. Girl: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! WHY PIERRE, WHY???? Pierre: Because I'm Pierre, the French fighter pilot and when I GO DOWN, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!!
The French lower their terrorist alert from "Surrender" to "Hide" today according to the 10 o'clock news on Paris tv. The reason given what the white flag manufacturing company burned down this morning.
You gotta love Robin Williams..... Even if he's nuts!!! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message: "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's the United States' plan." 1.) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again. 2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them. 4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!!!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough). 8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE!! Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?' "
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now!" I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said "That M.F. had $500 in quarters!"
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that anymore. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story? HUH? You can't kill two birds with one stone. - Spydertrader
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the Breeding Bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that read, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and replied, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. Now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind. 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life.... (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am.... (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry... (Inside card) - Someone other than you!!!!! 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... (Inside card) - Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time... (Inside card) - What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you... (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.... (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday... (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep!!! 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (Inside card) - What was I thinking? 15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.." ------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -------------------------------------------------------------------
My all time favorite postcard/slip-of-the-tongue from a hot vacation spot: "Everything is here - wish you were fine..."