Puns, of the worst order! 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ......What? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. A research doctor is working on the secret to immortality. He develops a serum extracted from immature seagulls and tests it in a porpoise in his lab. Finding he is low on birds, he goes to the beach to harvest more. Upon his return he finds a large lion sleeping in the doorway. Knowing the back door is locked, the doctor quietly tip toes over the sleeping beast and enters his lab. Within minutes his lab is surrounded by flashing police lights and a swat team. He is arrested and booked...... for transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises. 11. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Seven Degrees of Blondes FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:* SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked! Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he might sell. "Yep, I've got this really great rooster named Ralph," says the other farmer. "he'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the Rooster costs $3000. But the first farmer decides that he's worth it so he buys Ralph. Farmer no 1. takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard. He decides to give his rooster a pep talk. "You really need to pace yourself, because you have a lot of chickens to service here, and besides that, you cost me a lot of money." "Consequently, I'll need you to do a really good job, so take your time and have some fun," the farmer chuckled. Ralph seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house...three or four times. Boy, the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and sure enough, Ralph is there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! ole Ralph gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is now very distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. When the farmer wakes up the next morning, he finds Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard. His mouth is open, tongue is hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer is saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal just shakes his head and says, "Oh Ralph, I told you to pace yourself." "I tried to get you to slow down." "Now look what you've done to yourself." Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhhh! They're getting closer."
Did I tell you Lorena Bobbitt signed a deal with the Lakers? Just, of course, to get the tip...off. And, Milwaukee cops found another old Jeff Dahmer Roommate. Some assembly was required.
STOLEN CAR (seat) An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _______________________________________ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." After 'knocking', she then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________________________________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________ WHAT A CHOICE A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ______________________________ ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting". Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed sheets and got out of bed. "Where are you going?", she asked. He yelled back, "To get my teeth!" _______________________________________ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates gave a Speech to high school students about 11 things they would not learn in school. He talks about feel-good, politically-correct teachings having created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this sets them up for failure in the real world. Love him or hate him, he sure hit the nail on the head with this! Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes - learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? The epileptic oyster shucker shucks bewteen fits.