A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "And you sir must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A Taliban warlord was sitting in a cave high up on Bora Bora when he heard over a dune the voice of an American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters." So the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban again sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban decided to go for broke and sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened went over the dune where he found a wounded Taliban solider who whispered in agony "don't send anymore men, it's a bloody American trap, there is really two of them!"
The Haircut G.W.Bush and John Kerry accidentally wound up at the same barbershop at the same time while stopping for a little touchup while campaigning. As they sat in adjacent chairs, worked on by different barbers, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers each finished their haircuts, the one working on Kerry reached for some scented hair tonic to splash on, but Kerry quickly held up his hand, smiled, and said, "No thanks, Johnny! My wife, Teresa (Ta-ray-za), will smell that and think I've been gallivanting in a whorehouse!" Everyone in his entourage laughed. The other barber turned to Bush and said, "I suppose you don't want any tonic on your hair either, Mr. President?" Bush replied, "No, go ahead, Mike. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like!"
The Tight Skirt: In a crowded Texas city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ..... A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you!" said Dolly. "It's true. No bull!" Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam."
Very Good groaners howellpar "A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ....." I guess when his case came up, the Judge would have to hand out the mammary suspended sentence?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only! fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age! . Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. .............Now you know everything you need to know.
An Irishman staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those damn Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror