Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies, toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, How many of you have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "I don't have any." She replied. Smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." She replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world. The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches"
Dateline Washington - May 26, 2005 AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS WASHINGTON, DC Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter. "This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing,". Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales, which makes up 72% of workers with no abilities. President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at an automobile plant in Michigan due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. Dolly took off her shirt and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity." The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up, and gargled. Then, she spit into the toilette and pulled the lever. The angel said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She simply gargled and she got in.???" "Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Princess Di, Versace and Freddie Mercury up before the pearly gates. Heaven full that year so only one can be admitted. Each asked what they would bring to heaven in the way of skills. V says he will make pretty clothes for everyone. FM says he will hold free concerts. PD doesnt say a word. She downs a bottle of water, drops her knickers and pisses the water right out and back into the bottle. V & FM rejected because...<groan>... a royal flush beats a pair of queens. :eek:
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, the pilot, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his plane." Author Unknown. "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers. "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin. "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips. "My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson. "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen. "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen. "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen. "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." Unknown. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams. "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman. "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne. "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde. "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mum. Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!" He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra." The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart. All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record. In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!" The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do. "Roulette." croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?" Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black." "Everyting?" repeats the golfer. "Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer paces the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k. All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants. "Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog. The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like. "Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog. Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling." "And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted, by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through thedoor, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said," screw him, give em a dollar." The Blonde then added with a smile, "The breakfast was my idea!"