Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month go, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people
Social Security As a man, at the age of 62, I decided to apply for early retirement benefits. Arriving at the local Social Security Administration office and waiting in line a long time, I got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. I will have to go home and come back later." The woman said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." So I open my shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and processed my social security application. When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the social security office. She said: "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." :eek: :eek:
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
Three old gals are sitting on a bench in the park. Flasher comes by and flashes them in his best outfit. Two old gals had a stroke, but the third one couldn't reach that far.
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too big... 10% of women think their ass is too little... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. :eek:
"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." -- Andy Rooney
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry out some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner. So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes, thick blood spewing from her mouth literally covering her from head to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".