fairplay, yawn ... next time you better come up with a real funny joke that makes real funny Americans´sides hurt from laughing ... with real funny essentials like "hump", "willy", "spout", "boner", "dong","monkey","stiffy" etc. in it ... regards wild
How do you tell if a Jewish Princess has had an orgasm? She stops filing her nails. What does a Jewish Princess do with her asshole in the morning? She sends him off to work.
An American is in a british pub having a pint. He keeps acting like he is punching numbers on a phone in his right hand and then holds his hand up as if he is talking into it. He keeps doing this several times. One of the customers comments to the barkeep " whats up with that bloke, he thinks he has a phone in his hand, he surely is a few pints short of a sixpack." So the barkeep walks over to the American and says " you're starting to scare some of my customers acting like you have a phone in your hand." The American says " my hand has a phone built into it." The American then asks the barkeep what his phone number is, dials it, and the barkeep starts talking to his wife. The barkeep is amazed and tells the other customer about it. A little time later the American goes to the bathroom. He has been in there for about 20 minutes. One of the patrons tells the barkeep to check on the American. The barkeep walks into the bathroom. The American is in a stall, his hands are holding the handicapped rails and he is sitting on the floor,his pants are down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass. The barkeep asks " what the hell are you doing?" The American replies " I am waiting for a fax." I got this from somebody on clearstation
Subject: The Casino Blonde > > > > > > Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive > > > blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a > single roll > of > > > the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much > luckier when > > I'm > > > completely nude." > > > > > > With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and > yelled, > > > "Mama needs new clothes!" > > > > > > Then she hollered..."YES!YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and > down and > > > hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money > and > clothes > > > and quickly departed. > > > > > > The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one > of them > > > asked, "What did she roll?" > > > > > > The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were > watching!" > > > > > > Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. > > >
Subject: SOME MEN.... (CAN be) MEN Men are like ... Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years. Men are like ... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night. Men are like ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion Men are like ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small. Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ... Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest. Men are like ... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ... Crystal. Some look really good, but you can still see right through them. Best of all, Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you......
It is said that Mahatma Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?" His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH 1.You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them. 2.You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer. 3.a. You can legally kill yourself b. You can legally be killed 4.You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you. 5.You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital..... 6.You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition. 7.You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country 8.You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours. 9.If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans. 10.Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN 1.You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly. 2.If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country. 3.You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer. 4.You are either a.like the Dutch, just less efficient b.like the French, just less romantic c.like the Germans 5.Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer. 6.No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you. 7.More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade. 8.You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares. 9.All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders. 10.Face it. It's not really a country, is it? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH: 1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2.Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time 3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4.If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5.You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9.You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street. 10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN : 1.You can have a woman president without electing her. 2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3.You can call Budweiser beer. 4.You can be a crook and still be president. 5.If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6.If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7.You get to be really obese. 8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9.You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy". 10.You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN: 1.You get to pay the highest taxes in the world. 2.You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer. 3.You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half. 4.You can get capital punishment for smoking dope. 5.You can go skiing in your knickers. 6.You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football. 7.You have to be a woman to get anywhere. 8.You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious. 9.When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you. 10.You can actually get bored with blondes. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH : 1.Two World Wars and One World Cup. 2.Warm beer. 3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events. 5.Union jack underpants. 6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer. 7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8.Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not. 9.Ditto changing underwear. 10.Beats being Welsh. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH : 1.You ain't English! 2.You ain't English! 3.You ain't English! 4.You ain't English! 5.You ain't English! 6.You ain't English! 7.You ain't English! 8.You ain't English! 9.You ain't English! 10.You ain't English! TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN : 1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2.Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3.No need to worry about tax returns. 4.Glorious military history prior to 400BC. 5.Can wear sunglasses inside. 6.Political stability. 7.Flexible working hours. 8.Live near the Pope. 9.Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10.Country run by Sicilian murderers. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH : 1.Glorious history of killing South American tribes. 2.The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrennees. 3.You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc. 4.The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans. 5.Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing. 6.Honesty. 7.Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls. 8.You get to eat bull's testicles. 9.Gibraltar. 10.Supported Argentina in Falklands War. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. GIVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE: 1.Oktoberfest. 2.Oktoberfest-beer.
Longest "joke" I ever actually finished reading. Also, BY FAR the longest "joke" I ever forwarded to people I didn't hate Great!!! Peace, Rs7
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Marge's ear and she said, "Marge, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Marge answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."