Jokes

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Bob was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Bob, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Bob, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"


:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

The World’s View of Marriage

>> > World’s View 1: >> > Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

> >>>>> > World’s View 2: >> > If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every >> > word you say, talk in your sleep.

>>>>> > World’s View 3: >> > Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

>>>>> > World’s View 4: >> > Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, >> > the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

>>>>> > World’s View 5: >> > When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.>> >>>>> >

World’s View 6: >> > Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

>>>>> > World’s View 7: >> > Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

>>>>> > World’s View 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

>>>>> > World’s View 9: >> > Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

>>> > World’s View 10: >> > A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

World’s View 8

 

Tech Analysis:

I live out west (AZ), #8 is ignored by certain elements of the Mormon religious cult. . . . .

 

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minute s another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said," Yes officer here it is, right here."
It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

 

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she shakes her head left to right and says,

"Well, that's great... just great... some asshole's got my pen"!

 

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!!"

 

We got an issue in America. Too many good docs are gettin' out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their -- their love with women all across this country.
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, Sep. 6, 2004

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, Oct. 18, 2000

www.dubyaspeak.com if you want the rest

 

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother who's alive, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

 

Fireworks factory in the Netherlands explodes...the end of the video is huge with slo mo shockwave. (Not really a "joke", more along the lines of something amazing to watch. I understand people were killed, although this is not shown here.)

http://70.84.2.68/fireworkfactory.wmv