Jokes

LOVED that alternative ending

 

EVER WONDER?

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ...

 

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

 

A guy walks into a bar with a gunny sack over his shoulder, walks over to the bar piano, opens the sack and pulls out a tiny little man. He sets the little man down on the piano bench, and the little guy begins to just pound away on the piano, playing it better than anyone had ever heard before. He was playing Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, anything you could think of, and playing it all very well. While he was doing this, the guy with the gunny sack walks over to the bar. Bartender says, “That’s incredible! Where’d you find him?” The guy opens the gunny sack, pulls out an old lamp, and says, “I made a wish and rubbed this, and ‘boom’ the little man appeared.” The bartender says, “Wow! Can I try it?” The guy says, “Sure.” The bartender grabs the lamp, makes a wish, and suddenly a bunch of ducks appear! There are ducks everywhere! Ducks on the bar, ducks on the tables, ducks on the floor, ducks in the rafters. The bartender says, “Hey, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!” The guy says to him, “Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

 

Cimballi,

LOL!! Not bad for a first joke... welcome to the thread, stick around, post another good one!

 

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his
front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your
country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see
your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the
designated meeting spot.

A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded,
"You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."

 

On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his or her own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ... one button at a time. No one moves. .... He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

 

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What in the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied "check for squirrel."

 

I apologize for the all caps. It's just the way the cut and paste came out.


A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!