Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971, why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
After a long career in teaching, you have finally reached that magical year when you are about to retire. As the year flies along, you begin to notice changes in and around you that signal to everyone that you must be a retiree-to-be and retirement weeks away! You know you're a retiree-to-be when... 1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh! Stop smiling!" 2. You get up to the checkout counter at Borders, and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year. 3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier. 4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year. 5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building- including the cafeteria. 6. You get in line at the copy machine, and realize you don't have anything to copy. 7. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are, and you just smile. 8. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year, and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games, and a visit from Frankie the clown. 9. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases. 10. You respond to every new initiative with, "Been there! Done that!" 11. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile! 12. On your way to the parking lot, you look up at the sky, and see 3 or 4 recent college graduates circling overhead. 13. Other staff members complain that they can't get into the rest room because you're always in there, laughing hysterically. 14. Behind you, as you're driving out of the parking lot, you hear the faint ringing of the dismissal bell. 15. Your final comments on the June report card are, "Bye!"
Vital Notice in this Election Year! Want to be a pariah, simply mutter a few words that deviate from a particular "mainstream" view in an election year. Shortly after the speech leaves your lips, a crowd carrying incendiaries and soap will appear at your doorstep.... in this situation it is important to recognize who you have offended to allow a vital opportunity for pacification. Failure to do so can lead to unpleasant consequences, such as spitting up suds to the tune of the local fire department sirens. Here are some key points on how to recognize the mob, Democrats or Republicans, gathered on your front lawn. Pushing and pulling a stubborn donkey, the throng of Democrats will arrive in confusion. Peculiarly, nobody will ride the critter for any great extent of time before being pulled off by others more brash and outlandish. Oddly the donkey eats more then any other known creature, but only from a bag labeled âPublic Troughâ which is regularly applied over its nose. Anytime the feed bag is removed a howl of protest goes through the accompanying gang demanding the bag be immediately re-filled or a larger one applied. At many times, media outlets with titles such as CNN, ABC, CBS, and NBC can be found shoving and pushing as they vie to interview potential candidates to ride the ill-fated beast. The Democrats upon arrival will immediately threaten to have the donkey kick your hindquarters with a mighty extension of its rear legs. In reality this threat is usually pretty idle. The donkey normally is more interested in the cigar that it is fondling or increasing the size of its feedbag then actually taking offensive action that would involve time and energy. The best way to pacify the beast is to further add to its food bag or promising to find an intern to tend to the donkeyâs needs. A monstrous elephant that tramples everything in its path will proclaim the arrival of the Republicans. An elite number will be selected to ride the elephant; a large flock at its massive feet will run alongside collecting donations from the well-dressed while attempting to avoid trampling. At times the privileged riders will shout words of encouragement as the runners respond with âdittoâ or âamenâ. Regularly media critters can be found in the crowd labeled with the appellations of other smaller, more devious creatures, for example âFoxâ. The Republicans upon arrival will threaten to have the elephant flatten your humble abode. The threat is very real but usually the immense critter is too focused on sucking up oil into its trunk or dropping excrement on those labeled âworthless welfare queensâ to take any direct action. Unless, of course, there is an oil derrick in your backyard or your first name is something like âSaddamâ; in which case you are doomed. The best way to placate the fiend is to point out that you plan to purchase an SUV and drive it regularly to church on Sunday. Hopefully this will aid you in this tumultuous season, keeping in mind that avoiding all independent thought and joining one of the mobs is always the safest alternative.
The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."
Did you hear? France is stripping Lance Armstrong of his medals because he tested positive for 3 substances banned in France..... ........Deodorant, mouthwash and soap.
âSorry, officer,â said the driver who was stopped for driving 130 miles an hour on the highway, âwas I, by any chance, driving a bit too fast?" âOh no, sir, not at all," the officer answered politely, "it is just that you were flying a bit too low!â
I hear New Jersey is going to change the name of the State bird to the Swallow. --- Word is New Jersey state troopers are now calling rear end accidents "the McGreevey". --- McGreevey is surely going to vote for Kerry because he doesn't like Bush. --- McGreevey already has a new job, he's the new spokesman for the Hummer.