Q] Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A] Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Q]What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII? A]"Table for One Hundred Thousand?" Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his licence to practice medicine? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was by far the best vet in town. The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."
A Frenchman in Paris asks one tourist: - Do you want to hear one funny story about stupid Americans? - Hey, guy, I'M AMERICAN! - No problems, I can tell this story twice, if you don't understand at first.
There is a German driving on a French freeway when a bulletin comes across the radio: "Drivers, be careful, there is car going the wrong way on the freeway". And the German thinks to himself, "What's he talking about, all the cars are going the wrong way"
Q: What are the three thinnest books in the world? 1. A gourmet's guide to English cooking 2. Italian war heroes 3. Gems of American culture
Depressed Man Diagnosed as "British" George Farthing, an ex-patriot British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British. Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams."The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place." Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad,really". It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist. Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment". "I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding of the English psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in England and is not seen as pathological at all." Identifying Mr Farthing as English changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T- Shirt
MEDICAL - SPEAK Said: "Appointment" Meant: "An opportunity to wait until the doctor feels like seeing you." Said: "A few more minutes." Meant: "You have time to read the entire National Geographic." Said: "Cutting edge procedure" Meant: "Your insurance won't cover it." Said: "Discomfort" Meant: "Pain" Said: "Procedure" Meant: "Surgery" Said: "Fairly Routine Procedure" Meant: "Major Surgery" Said: "Routine Procedure" Meant: "Something experimental and dangerous." Said: "Latest medical research" Meant: "This week's guess." When they say, "We did all that we could under the circumstances, with the knowledge that we had at the time," what they really mean is, "We blew it." GOVERNMENT - SPEAK Said: "Accountability without stifling the entrepreneurial spirit." Meant: "Let the big guys keep cheating." Said: "Social conscience" Meant: "Public opinion polls" Said: "A candidate with a good record." Meant: "He hasn't been indicted yet." Said: "We've got them on the run." Meant: "We have no idea where they are." Said: "A heightened security level alert this weekend." Meant: "Act like you normally do. We just need to scare you every so often so you'll let us get rid of more civil liberties." When they say, "We've discovered new covert-threatening activities in the region, but we aren't at liberty to divulge the details," what they're really saying is, "We've got to start this war soon before everyone starts blaming us for the economy." SCHOOL - SPEAK Said: "Fluid curriculum" Meant: "We don't know what we're doing." Said: "Developmental, not age-driven learning." Meant: "What do we care when your kid learns to read?" Said: "Challenging instructor" Meant: "A bad teacher we just can't fire." When parents say, "You won't learn anything if we help you with your math homework," what they really mean is: "I don't remember what the hell a cosine is." BUSINESS - SPEAK What They Said: "Accounting procedures" What They Meant: "Ways to cheat" Said: "I don't recall" Meant: "I already shredded everything." Said: "Synergy" Meant: "Collusion" Said: "We are revectoring portions of the company." Meant: "You're fired." Said: "We are downsizing." Meant: "You're fired." Said: "We are offering you early retirement." Meant: "You're fired." When they actually say, "You're fired," what they really mean is, "We've checked with our lawyers. You're out of here, and we dare you to sue us." PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP- SPEAK Said: "We'll get together soon." Meant: "Stop calling me." Said: "I have to get up early tomorrow." Meant: "I never want to see you again." Said: "The kids never gave me your message." Meant: "I didn't feel like calling you back." Said: "Let's prioritize." Meant: "Let's do the things I want to do." Said: "I'm listening." Meant: "I'm trying to watch TV." Said: "You're in denial." Meant: "You're disagreeing with me." Said: "I'm still processing what you said." Meant: "I forgot what you said." Said: "That's a good color for you." Meant: "Have you gained weight?" Said: "Hey, Buddy, it's great to see you." Meant: "I have no idea what your name is." And, of course, if a relative of yours says, "You can always stay with us if you'd like," what they're really saying is, "There are plenty of nice hotels near our house."