Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'" yup, brings back memories of my bachelor days! lol
From my favorite sister-in-law. Rules of Housecleaning 1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. 2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. 3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. 4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders. 5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. 6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. 7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again. 8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because .... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. 9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". 10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts." "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.) (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
http://msnvideo.msn.com/video/defau...oStart=0&menu=News&menuItem=Peculiar Postings Playing the theme song from Cops just proves police officers have a sense of humor.
An Italian man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while Sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes In your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her. And it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW750iL,and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million; dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: ''Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.'' ''No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...''