man finds a snail crawling on his porch. he picks it up and hurls it in his back yard. hits a rock the shell is crushed the snail is dying.. but it doesn't die. after a while snail starts to crawl again. about a year later snail's back on the porch again.. man sees it... and says "HEY!!!! YOU GOT A FUKIN PROBLEM!!?" ha haha hahahahahhahhahahhaha BWHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER This joke reminded me of an oldie but goodie. A lady gets back from her annual physical and confronts her husband with, "The doctor told me that I had a magnificient body. To which he replied, "Well what did he say about your big fat ass". To which she replied, "Oh! He didn't mention you!"
Cinderella years later Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......... "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression," Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "to tell you the truth, that was my first day with the hook..."
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine." "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says and hangs up. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "Oops!" While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an allinone?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS?'" ----------------------------------------- Seal the deal: An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his Son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his Son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, Son; do your best and just remember. If it doesn't go well, if something should happen to me ... Your Mother is going to come and live with you and your Wife...." ----------------------------------------- A man met a beautiful woman. They fell in love, and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice Caribbean resort. The first morning, they were lying by the pool when the husband got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. He followed that with a triple-twisting dive in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. The new bride said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in th e pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No, I was a Hooker in Detroit and I worked both sides of the river." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Karen....Karen" "Is that you, Tony?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again. " "Oh, Tony you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
The Rules of the Blues If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules: Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning?" "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town." The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes? Sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like a hyena and she weigh 500 pound." The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch....ain't no way out. Blues cars: Chevy's, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMW's or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Good places for the Blues: (a) highway; (b) jailhouse; (c) empty bed; (d) bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: (a) Nordstrom's; (b) Gallery openings; (c) Ivy League institutions; (d) golf courses. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: (a) You're older than dirt; (b) You're blind; (c) You shot a man in Memphis; (d) You can't be satisfied. No if: (a) You have all your teeth: (b) You once were blind but now can see: (c) The man in Memphis lived; (d) You have a 401K or trust fund. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) Cheap wine; (b) Whiskey or bourbon; (c) Muddy water; (d) Black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier; (b) Chardonnay; (c) Snapple; (d) Slim Fast. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie; (b) Big Mama; (c) Bessie; (d) Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe; (b) Willie; (c) Little Willie: (d) Big Willie. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); (b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.); (c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc. And lastly, I don't care how tragic your life is: If you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.
She was Soooooooo Blonde . . * She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * She studied for a blood test. * She sold the car for gas money. * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company