College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to evaluate the various factors involved in it: Instructor, text, and so forth. Here are some collected comments: "What's the quality of the textbook? Textbook is printed on high quality paper." "Textbook is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room." "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high." "In class, the syllabus is more important than you are." "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!" "Textbook makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor." "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame" "Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it." "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term." "This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith." "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material." "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever." "He is one of the best teachers I have had ... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree." "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon." "TA steadily improved throughout the course ... I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up." "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it." "I never bought the textbook. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets." "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked. "I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front."What are my choices?" Moishe asked. "Yes or no," she replied. ____________________________________ An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you comfortable?" Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...." ____________________________________ Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate", and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home". ____________________________________ A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: shmuck". At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name... and forgot to write a letter. ____________________________________ Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy". The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy". The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children". ____________________________________ Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards: Under same management for over 5763 years. Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbat. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case! Come early for a good seat. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand? ____________________________________ A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Channukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Channukah stamps please" "What denomination?" says the clerk. The woman says "Oy vay,...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform
This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman. ..almost.." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -US Marine Corps "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -US Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." -US Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." -Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Corps Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -USAF Ammo Troop
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
BOUDREAUX'S DAY IN COURT Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer? Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . . . " "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"? Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . . " The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans." "Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'" "Now what the hell would you say?"
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from her shower, the worman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of being understanding and telling her it wasn't so, he came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day." Unbelieving, but reaching for a piece of toilet paper, the woman stood in front of the mirror, rubbing the paper between her breasts. "How long is this supposed to take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replied. She stopped, and hands on hips asked: " Do you really think I believe that rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" The husband we are told, is still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.