Jokes

Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked five miles in his shoes.

By then he’s a good distance away, and you've got his shoes.

 

Father Pat was an avid golfer, one of those people who literally live for the sport. That Sunday morning, the sun was shining bright, the sky was clear as a gorgeous dome of blue glass, and the birds were chirping happily to spread the good news that this was a very special day. Yielding to the enormous tempation, Fr. Pat called in sick and asked that Fr. Richard celebrate mass in his place. He then took his golf stuff and drove 60 miles away, to the golf course he went to whenever he didn't want to be recognized by any of his parishioners. There, he blissfully teed-off.

As his golf club was coming swiftly towards the little white ball, time stood still. Saint Peter, from that place out of space and time where he was watching everything, called his Boss:

"With all due respect, Sir, you are not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

"Don't worry, Peter, my friend" said a deep and caring voice out of thin air, "let it happen..."

Time resumed its usual flow and the priest's club hit the ball hard, smack in the middle. In response, the ball took off like lightening and flew some 400 yards, where it landed softly and rolled straight in the hole. What a shot! WHAT A SHOT!! Wow!!!

"But, Sir, the man lied to his flock, abandoned his duties, neglected his responsibilities... He deserves punishment, lots of it! And, instead, you reward him with the greatest achievement that any golpfer would have EVER dreamed of? Why, Sir, why?"

"Now, Peter, slow down a bit. Yes, Fr. Pat deserves to be punished. So, think: who is he going to be able to tell? Who?"

 

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and
very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,
and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies,
she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local
postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish,
she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription
engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker-cum-postal clerk went to prepare the
tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that
the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that
she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the
old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available
on the small piece of stone . For days, he agonized over the dilemma.
But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up
with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The
virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read
as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

A man consults a psychiatrist and states in utter desperation,

“Doc, I'm really scared, depressed and suicidal. What should I do?”

To which the doctor calmly replies, in a slow and wise voice:

“Pay in advance.”

 

This is what can happen when someone has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble... check out the last one!!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

---> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's my analysis:

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!

 

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 9 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would! d start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.




Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

bobcathy1 -

ROFL!

 

25. "Things I wouldn't do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

24. Human Rights Advances in China

23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert

22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton

21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen DeG.

20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"

18. Al Gore: The Wild Years

17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

16. America's Most Popular Lawyers

15. Career Opportunities for History Majors

14. Detroit - A Travel Guide

13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

11. Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it's not that difficult! */

10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

9. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Everything Women Know About Men

7. French Hospitality to non-Francophones

6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Book

and the Number One World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it ... there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.