A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same old cow." ... The husband's condition has been recently upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery...
Flying For Dummies 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, increase your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal. 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY All you have to do is be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father figure 6. a teacher 7. an educator 8. a cook 9. a gardener 10. a carpenter 11. a driver 12. an engineer 13. a mechanic 14. an interior decorator 15. a stylist 16. a sex therapist 17. a gynecologist/obstetrician 18. a psychologist 19. a psychiatrist 20. a therapist 21. a good father 22. a gentleman 23. well organized 24. tidy 25. very clean 26. athletic 27. affectionate 28. affable 29. attentive 30. ambitious 31. amenable 32. articulate 33. bold 34. brave 35. creative 36. courageous 37. complimentary 38. capable 39. decisive 40. intelligent 41. imaginative 42. interesting 43. prudent 44. patient 45. polite 46. passionate 47. respectful 48. sweet 49. strong 50. skillful 51. supportive 52. sympathetic 53. tolerant 54. understanding 55. someone who loves shopping 56. someone who doesn't make problems 57. someone who never looks at other women 58. very rich AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU: 59. are neither jealous nor disinterested 60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her 61. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO: 62. Not forget the dates of: * anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...) * graduation * birthday * menstruation ---------------- ------------------------- NOW, HERE'S HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Make love to him. 2. Donât nag him. 3. On top of that, if you bring him a beer while he's watching the game on TV, he'll be ecstatic!
A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST.THEY WERE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR REAL-LIFE, DILBERT-TYPE MANAGERS. HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS: 1."As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp.) 2."What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation) 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD: 1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall. 2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck. 3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack. 4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck. (See Picture)
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears. The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not). Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers) Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. " "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."