During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Two young men were going door to door talking to people about their church. Right at dinner time, they knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them, in no uncertain terms, that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces while yelling at them that she didn't need anything. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again while yelling even louder, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Having briefly considered the possibility that there was a higher power at work here, she became convinced that it was these rude intruders who were sticking their foot in the door and she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. At which point, one of them quietly observed, âMa'am, before you do that again, you may want to move your cat!â
Reminds me of this one: A drunk walks in a bar and bets the bartender 50 bucks that he can whistle dixie out of his ass. The bartender doesn't want to take the bet but the patrons insist. So they hawl the drunk up on the bar and the drunk drops his pants and begins to uninate and deficate all over the place. When the bartender protest, the drunk replies,"Hell man. Even Pavarotti has to clear his throat."
Many of us older folks are confused about how we should present ourselves, the kind of image we're projecting, and whether or not we're correct as we try to conform to the fashions that the designers in NY, Los Angeles, and Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a careful and sincere study of the situation. Here are the results. File it for your own use, and pass it on to all the folks our age that you know and love. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations: DO NOT go together: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker
In keeping with the family tradition, Albert became a proctologist, after his father and grandfather, although he really wanted to be a car mechanic. But, he understood his family obligations and went along. Many years later, on his 55th birthday, he retired, closed his office and promptly enrolled in the local car-mechanic school for 12 thrilling months of dream fulfilment. His final exam seemed hard, but didn't phase him: he was to completely disassemble a whole engine with an ugly sputter and put it back together again healthy and running smooth and quiet... all in two hours. He put his head down with determination and did exactly that, no problemo. In return, his teachers gave him a 150% on his effort. "That's strange," he said, "150%? What's that extra 50% for?" "Oh," the head instructor explained, barely able to contain his enthusiasm, "that's for doing the whole job through the exhaust pipe!"
The professor of a contract law class asked one of her better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! No!!! What have I been teaching you people all year? Think like a lawyer! Act like a lawyer!! Speak like one too!!!" The student then considered the question for a second or three and gave the correct answer: "Okay. I'd tell him, `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." At which, the man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" And to that little Johnny answered with a pointed wink, "No, he just made sure he only minded his own f***ing business!"
Number 5 A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am,if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "Sir, if some other part of yours is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." ************************************** Number 4 A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Papadopoulos,â he responds with a broad smile, ânice to meet you." ******************************************** Number 3 One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls backover and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ************************************* Number 2 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ************************************** Number 1 A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My n*pples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer........ This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The driver was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background) Witnesses said their physical/mental state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed. The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? --10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with FLA (naturally) plates, was headed for Clanton, Al. where the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack. And you thought you'd seen it all !!!
Seeing that reminded me of some pics I have stashed away on my hard drive. I'll upload them here. A good caption overall would be: CAUTION: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear