1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.........Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male..........Anything that has something to do with sex. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male..........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
A bunch of really bad puns. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins int orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in S. Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal". The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "Thye're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!" A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone like to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours of close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused, so the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.....a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat adult products boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for, sir?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows... Work/Time = Power Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work/Money = Knowledge Solving for Money, we get Work/Knowledge = Money Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make --
I'd always heard it as the traveling salesman who hires a hooker and decides to expense it against his meal allowance because he ate it.
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries. "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."