An optimist and a pessimist are arguing: "My God," laments the pessimist, "things are falling apart, the economy is collapsing, our situation cannot possibly get any worse!" "Oh yes, it can!" smiles the optimist...
The masochist begs: "Beat me, torture me, humiliate me, tie me up all night, pleeeeeease!" To which, the sadist responds, as he's turning his face the other way: "No!"
A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "You see, I had to chase him all through the park."
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a Christmas card, so he also is allowed in. The third man searches frantically and finally pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last item, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which the third man answered with a happy smile, "They're Carol's."
London Times, May 17, 2004: A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex. The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests. Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving. A clinic spokesperson said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?". "We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate." The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband are now being given sex therapy lessons while the university clinic undertakes a study to try to find out if there are more couples with a similar lack of sex education.
Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's minivan when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapses in ecstasy. About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.
An optimist believes that we live in the best possible of worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?" "No I don't", I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No", I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me pensively and said, "Then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?"
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself sitting beside a scruffy looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the round object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious to a fault, as all members of his estimed profession always are, the attorney couldn't help asking, "Well friend, what do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it's big and it looks like plastic but feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, and then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber and has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" To which the drunk replied, "Out of my nose."