It was opening night at the Orpheum, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff and the theater was packed with a standing room only crowd. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!!!" exclaimed the hypnotist. --- It took three weeks to clean up the theater...
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. âThat's what I like to see,â said the priest, âA man helping his fellow man.â As he was walking away, one of the locals remarked to the other, âWell, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing, does he?â
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, âMommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!â To which the mother replied, âI don't give a damn what color it is! Just let him in, and you go play at the Smiths for a couple hours, OK?â
"Life is not a long journey to the grave with the intention of arriving on time, serious and safe, in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to suddenly skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, laughing our heads off and loudly proclaiming: WOW.... WHAT A RIDE!!!"
"Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work!" Thomas A. Edison
A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist answers, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day, he phones again and asks the same question. The eceptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The day after that, the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and yells, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" To which the guy exclaims, with laughter in his voice, "Because I just love hearing it!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 10,000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the guy. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies with a smile.