A Czech goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" he asks. "Read?" the Czech replies, "I even know the guy!"
Dear Kids, I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling angry good this week - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows. It's been six months since you've visited me last. I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK, I've learned to use the internet to pass the time. And the computer in the rec room has a pretty decent web cam, so you can remember what I look like. I have attached a recent picture of myself. You all take care, and write to me soon. With all of my heart. Love, Grandma
Truisms 1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway... 2. Life is sexually transmitted... 3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die... 4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich... 5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks... 6. Some people are like Slinkies . . . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs... 7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing... 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again... 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism... 10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty Cents??? 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal... 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this). 4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse"). 5. Have someone open the door to the outside (be sure there are no people between the toilet and the outside door). 6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lids. 7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean! Sincerely, The Dog
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster insists, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster asserts himself, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story.... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving pricks at the Post Office."
The guy who built the dildo had a vision...and in that vision he heard voices...Those voices would always say "If you build it, they will come
That Dildo joke got me 5 extra marks on my economics final exam....HAHAHA he wanted us to tell a joke on the last question, so i told that one lol...