Jokes

Signs

 

What to do in case of nuclear attack?

Put on a white sheet and slowly crawl to the cemetery.

Why slowly?

So that you don't create panic

 

ROFL

 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said,
“I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says,
“I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
“Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I've always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?”" asketh the Lord.
“Because all I know," answers St Peter "is that he's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!”

 

The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument.
(I say it was petty. She would have said it was
Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit
the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you
what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said,
"I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

 

MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR NEXT SATURDAY.

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN
OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO
WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD
TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST
EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR
HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS
OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW
SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT
YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS
AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

 

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, which was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted,

‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’ “

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,

‘George Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’

“Next thing I remember is that we were standing there in the middle of the road shaking hands when that truck came out of nowhere speeding out of control and hit us.”

 

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. " What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked along he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of theses years"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."

 

A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said,

"Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The pickpocket's lawyer then stood up and said,

"Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

 

* My lawyer is bilingual. He speaks English and double talk.

* A lawyer is an expert on justice in much the same way your average hooker is an expert on love.

* A lawyer is walking down the street and he steps in a pile of dog shit. A few seconds later he happens to look down at his feet, notices it dripping from his shoe and screams, “Aaahhhh! I'm melting!”