Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard! Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply. Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder! If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note. Dear Becky, I"m sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me. Love, Ricky lol!
Some old ones, some new ones . . . . Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it? Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is what doctors do called "practice"? Why is it rain drops, but snow falls? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass." Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
" I gave my wife a mood ring, when she is in a good mood it turns blue, when she is in a bad mood it puts little red marks on my forehead" -anonymous
Since the "ALAMO" was released recently, we need a little Texas humor: A Texan was doing some shopping in downtown San Antonio. He looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump... "Stop," he yelled, "remember you're someone who has value!" The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock market!" "But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan. "She divorced me and took everything I had that was not in the stock market." "Your children, remember your children," yelled the Texan "They never call," said the man. "Then your parents, remember your parents," yelled the Texan. "Dead as doornails," said the man. "Then remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan. The man shouted, "What's the Alamo?" The Texan replied, "Jump, Yankee!"