The Bachelor's Guide to Food! 1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. 2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. 3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. 4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. 5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. 6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. 7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. 8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. 9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. 10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. 11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. 12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). 13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. 14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. 15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. 16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. 17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. 18. SALT: It never spoils. 19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. 20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?" :eek:
There is more money being spent on breast implants, Viagra, and penis enlargement than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them DS
A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a Microsoft software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping. Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation. "Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!" The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem." The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"
NEW YORKâAfter falling 6 percent in the past three weeks, the U.S. dollar hit a 208-year low against the U.S. quarter, which had been valued at exactly 0.25 dollars since its introduction in 1796. "The dollar continues to slide against most major currencies," Morgan Stanley analyst Richard Jemison said. "At the end of the day Tuesday, the quarter was trading at .267 yen, .203 euros, and US$0.28. But what we're really seeing here is not just a dollar weakened by a sluggish economy, but an exceptionally resilient quarter-dollar." Jemison was quick to point out that the dollar remains very strong against the nickel. --- from The Onion
Golfers in the crowd should pay close attention! WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face.) HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan.) WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" HUSBAND: "I guess so." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Crap."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the townâs register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
If your one of those leave the computer running all the time you will find this very very funny. Even your young kids or grand kids will get a kick out of it. http://www.anycities.com/user/volkomen/see.swf