Generation X Office Lingo Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." 404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meanig the requested document couldn't be located. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed." Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Quirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
More Signs You're from New York 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill. 3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 5. Hookers and the homeless are invisible. 6. The subway makes sense. 7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro. 8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price. 10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple". 11. Your door has more than three locks. 12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate. 13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it. 14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. 16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. 17. You complain about having to mow it. 18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut. 19. You consider Westchester "Upstate". 20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees. It went to all field engineers. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
A businessman sent this fax to his wife: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 60 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed as I shall be back home before midnight". When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 60 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 60 more often than 60 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."
Way down in dat hot and humid old territory known as Louisiana, Bodreaux's old lady had been pregnant for nine months, and now the end-game time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey Boudreaux! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Bodreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bodreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil tang, too.... " Bodreaux got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bodreaux, you just had youself another boy!â When Bodreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good tang we didn't use no WD-40!"
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed To A Cheaper HMO: 1. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. 2. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 4. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 5. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day." 6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 7. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network-charges" is not a typo. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little M's on them.