MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church By Hank Vorjes of the Associated Press 6:01am est 04/01/04 VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market. April Fool's!
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Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM NYC WHEN.......... à You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license. à You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available. You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you have true grit. à You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway. à You know what a "regular" coffee is à It's not Manhattan, it's the "City". à You get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road à Someone passes out on the train, you mistakenly think he is dead and complain that he had to die on your train because this is going to make you late! à The country scares you, but.. à You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent. à There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown. If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where North and South are. à You cross the street anywhere but on the corners yelling at the cars for not respecting the fact. à You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from New York the minute you open your mouth. à You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and "real" bagel. à A 500 square foot apartment is large. à Your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as that same 500 square foot apartment of yours that takes only 35 minutes to get to and you think he's a sucker. à You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas. à You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a P.A. announcement on the subway. à You know what Kiss FM is. à You have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of. à You wouldn't bother ordering a pizza in any other city. à You know that the off the shelf insecticides are just laughing gas to the superior roaches cohabitating with you in the 500 square foot apartment. à You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major food groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian. à You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve. à Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect. à You know what a bodega is. à You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats. à Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet. à You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with her self. à You pay "only" $430 a month to park your car. à You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas à The presidential visit is a major traffic jam.not an honor. à Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. (They take up all the parking spaces!) à You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop. à The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer. à You know that the plural form of you is youse. Of course it is! ~~~~~~~~~~~
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps, and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump of course didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't push it if I were you". The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!" "Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous??" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides. Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
Being In Prison VS Being A Housewife 1. In prison you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. 2. In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. 3. In prison you get to watch TV, cable even. At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. 4. In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. 5. In prison all your medical care is free. At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. 6. In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. 7. In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too. And.... what the heck is free time again? 8. In prison you get your own personal toilet. At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. 9. In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. 10. In prison they take you everywhere you need to go. At home you take everybody else where they need to go. 11. In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. 12. In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home ... stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
Job Descriptions 1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. 3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. 4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. 5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. 6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. 7. A topoligist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut. 8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." 9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. 10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. 12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Viagra Advertising Slogans 1. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 2. "Here's the beef!" 3. "Get a piece of the rock" 4. "You've come a long way, baby" 5. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" 6. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman 7. "Tastes great, more filling" 8. "Viagra, built ram tough" 9. "Just do her" 10. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"