An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about,anyway?" The Indian smiles and says proudly: "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day, come back next day, do it again."
>West Virginia Professional Engineering Exam > >1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon > tree that will support a 10 pound possum. > > 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest > when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford > Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO > >3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity > of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators > are necessary to condense the product? > >4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 > rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be > harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in > size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many > Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees? > >5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge > of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in > the ozone layer? > >6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch > centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet > and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 > inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many > hound dogs will be killed? > >7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of > land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man > has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile > home on the man's land? > >8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 > yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. > The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of > secondary roads, what are the chances that it will > strike a vehicle that has a muffler? > >9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 > Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A > gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How > many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during > the shift? > >10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per > generation, how long will it take a town that has been > bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western > singer?
Interesting how a single decision reverberates through the ages: Railroad tracks: The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceptionally odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people that built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old , long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So, who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches drives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever Now, hereâs a new twist to the story ⦠When we see a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol, at their factory in Utah. The engineers, who designed the SRBs, might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train, from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the worlds' most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago, by the width of a horse's ass. Don't you just love engineering?
And now, a groaner: Written by a blonde senior citizen: "Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round! Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year . . . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven't heard back . . . guess I must have won that silly argument!"
Thank-you Tech Analysis!! And why are traffic lights all the same diameter? I don't know, just wondered. . . . (I'm a blond, dumber than dirt too).
You Know You're From California If.... 1. You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house. 2. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 3. Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 4. You can't remember... is pot legal? 5. You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor. 6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 7. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 8. You can't remember... is pot legal? 9. A really great parking space can move you to tears. 10. The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney. 11. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 12. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 13. It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!" 14. Hey... is pot legal? 15. Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los. 16. Two overcast days in a row drive you mad. 17. A family of four owns six vehicles. 18. Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening. 19. Even if the store is across the street, you drive there. 20. Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.
World's Shortest Books 1. BEAUTY SECRETS- by Janet Reno 2. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver 3. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino 4. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL- by Hillary Clinton 5. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES- by Ronald Reagan 6. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD- by Bill Gates 7. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 8. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 9. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 10. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 11. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 12. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 13. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 14. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 15. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 16. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 17. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club 18. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 19. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson 20. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
Why Men Can't Win If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Q: Now, why is it that the French eat just one egg for breakfast? A: Because, in French, one egg is "un oef"!