A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you looked! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?" "I smoke 4 packs of fags a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all." "This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?" "Twenty four"
âLast week I took the first step towards getting divorced.â âWow! What did you do? Do you go see a lawyer?â âNo, not yet... I got married.â
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
Reporters interviewing a 104 year old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being your age?" "No peer pressure!" * * * * Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "102," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 100, right?" "Yeah... right... Well, hardly worth going home, now, is it?" * * * * "A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 98 or 92. Have lost all my friends. B u t .... Thank God, I still have my Florida voter registration and driver's license!"
Deep Thoughts *Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" *Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its ass." *Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? *Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? *If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? *Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane? *If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat? *Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is? *Why does your Obstetrician/Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if he is going to look up there anyway? *Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs! *What do you call male ballerinas? *If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner show had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? *If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? *If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? *If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? *Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? *Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? *Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . *Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup *Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? *Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? *Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? *Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... One: The bartender is a blonde woman. Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman. Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer. Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a Professional wrestler, and Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude! "Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."