Jokes

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in kentucky.

In the morning his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon while eating the hamburgers his grandfather had made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about them any more."

Later that afternoon as he was going out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game his grandfather was watching he shouted.......

"Coldwater, move!!"

 

An elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French customs he fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France before. "Then, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.

The American said, "The last time I came to France I didn't have to show my passport."

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then, with the feel of acid on his words, calmly stated, "I assure you, "young man", that when I came ashore on Juno Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there wasn't a fuckin' Frenchmen anywhere on that beach.”

 

Walking slowly into his favorite Irish bar, Mike said to the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah", said Paddy, "and just how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!'"

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $1000 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 30 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Five minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 30 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 30 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $1000 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 5 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street and try it to see if I could do it first!"

 

Why was Michael Jackson so upset over Martha Stewart's trial?

Because he realized that a white woman could be convicted.

 

A city boy, young Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said: Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.

Kenny replied: Well, then, just give me my money back.

The farmer said: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.

Kenny said: Ok, then, just unload the donkey.

The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: I'm going to raffle him off.

Farmer: You can't raffle off a dead donkey!

Kenny: Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked: What happened with that dead donkey?

Kenny: I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.

Farmer: Didn't anyone complain?

Kenny: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Thought you'd might like to see what happened to me last week. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

 

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

Pythagorean theorem: ........................................24 words.
Lord's prayer:...............................................66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: .....................................67 words.
10 Commandments: ...........................................179 words.
Gettysburg address: ........................................286 words.
Declaration of Independence:..............................1,300 words.

US Gov't regulations on the sale of cabbage: ...........26,911 words.

 

Colorado Fish and Game personnel are warning shooters at a skeet range near Boulder to be on the lookout for both black bears and grizzly bears near the range. Skeet shooters are advised to wear small bells so as to alert but not alarm the bears. Skeet shooters are further advised to carry pepper spray to ward off an attack should they encounter a bear. Finally, skeet shooters should be able to tell the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings may contain berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings contain small bells and smell like pepper spray.

 

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"-Joe Theisman, NFL sports analyst (POSSIBLE THAT A WHO'S WHO IN HIS CHRISTMAS STOCKING WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL? ... ... NAH!)

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor (DOES HE OWN A DICTIONARY, OR JUST GUNS?)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."- Keppel Enderbery, Social Studies Teacher, Chicago, Illinois (AS OPPOSED TO THOSE IMPORTS THAT ARE LOCAL?)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina (DOES THIS MEAN THAT THE REPUBLICANS ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THE DEAD?)

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman (C'MON, TRY IT! PLEASE?)