...but rumours abound on Wall Street, that Lucifer, LLC, may secretly be behind the entire arrangement. "We can't confirm it", said one source who wished to remain very anonymous, "but we know that with soul trading trending upward, it can only be that Lucifer, LLC is on a buying streak." He continued, cautiously, "It seems, though, that the souls Lucifer is getting aren't of the highest quality." Ironically, a spokesperson for Lucifer, LLC, could be reached, and did indeed comment. "Oh, yes, we're snatching up all the souls we can. There's only two companies in this space right now, and being half of them, we're trying to beat out Heavenly Productions, LP. If they hadn't sunk so much capital into, and gotten so much great PR from that new movie, we might have been able to grab several more souls during the deal. We're betting, though, that soon enough, there will be promises that need to be kept, and then executives of 'certain companies' will be ready to sign their souls over." When pressed, the spokesperson would divulge nothing further about the companies, except that one of them was in a desert(SCO), and the other in a dreary woodland area(Microsoft). "All I can say is that it doesn't seem to bother these execs, since they seem to have chosen areas much like our [Patent Pending] HELL world." Heavenly LP, privately held, had no comments. Lucifer LLC was up slightly on the day.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing back down. Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells, "You need more tail!" He shouts back, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah (religious priest) for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. Ahmed asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Alla ho Akber! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Alla ho Akber! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah. "Woman on top? " Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Alla ho Akber. Go for it!" "Doggy style? Oral sex?" "Sure! Alla ho Akber!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!" "Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and an American porno video?" "You may indeed. Alla ho Akber!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks Ahmed. "Because that could lead to dancing!"
Lets face it English can be a strange language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill IN a form By filling it OUT And a bell is only heard once it GOES! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends!!!!
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where am I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
An actual ad in the London Times. WANTED A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.