An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as he returneth home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when he geteth home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," she continued, "the policeman said there may be something wrong with the emergency brake?..."
Aphexcoil posted a very funny description of an ET MUD over at: http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=433779#post433779
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex 1. A below par performance is considered good. 2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. 3. It's much easier to find the sweet spot. 4. Foursomes are encouraged. 5. You can still make money doing it as a senior. 6. Three times a day is possible. 7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else. 8. If you live in Sun City, you can do it every day. 9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. and best of all........ 10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you replace it.
âI have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still canât sleep, I will send the rest.â
Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was. Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Dis here is a subpeena." "Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked. "Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena'is Latin for 'penis', so - 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls."
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate ------------ Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7., not to mention **** 6.9 Good Luck, Tech Support
Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir? Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!