Jokes

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'

The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'

'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

'So what are you here for?' they asked.

'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'

'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'

 

I don't think this is a repeat:

Three mice are sitting in a bar, having drinks after a long day of stealing cheese.

One bets the others a round that he's the toughest mouse. They all agree to the bet.

The first mouse slugs back his Stoli and says, "I'm so tough, when I get up in the morning and mix rat poison in with my coffee."

The second mouse finishes off his scotch, and says, "Hah! that's nothing. I steal cheese off the trap, and do bench presses with the bar!"

The third mouse quietly finishes his hot tea, and says, "Well, you guys are too tough for me. Time to go home and f!@k the cat."

--laz

 

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO:.Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue w is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

 

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man & worships his creator. - John Bright

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. - Moses Hadas

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. - Robert Redford

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker


Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? - Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

 

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music
they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the
family to walk in to the service. Unfortunately the wrong track number was
entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to,
"Return to Sender."


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that
he would not be
leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I
have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at
the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; )
; ) ; ) ; ) ; ) ; )

The interchange at 635 and 75 in North Dallas has been torn up for years.
Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading, "Scientists tell us that
the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this
contractor will have to finish working in the dark."

I live in Dallas, So True!!!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dallas Mayor, Laura Miller's promise to fix all the potholes is going really
well The road by my house is in bad condition. Every day I dodge potholes

on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on
the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and
no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new,
bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is
our manure spreader.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was
stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent
asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any
packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

 

dumb blond joke

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the
truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down
the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All
out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the
next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as
she lowers it, he says. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in South Dakota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

 

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for an almost enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose!"

 

Three colleagues, a German, an Englishman and a Belgian, while attending a hi-tech show in Stockholm, were sitting naked in a sauna, at their hotel. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm proudly and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"Oh, that,” he said, “it was my pager… I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The English fellow, even more proudly, lifted his hand, thumb to his ear and pinky in front of his mouth. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand, controlling the mini-loud-speaker in my thumb and the voice unit in my pinky."

The Belgian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and when he returned, there was a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him with extreme disapproval.

Under pressure to explain, the Belgian said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax..."