After their Superbowl victory, President George Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on their win. Al Gore called the Panthers and told them he thought that they were robbed. Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, "Mary I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, over the past ten years, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep in the middle of it and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to MAKE him come with me."
Here are some silly jokes that aren't meant to be offensive, and if you are a Democrat please don't get angry! This is all just for fun... Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts? A: Change. Q: How do you confuse a Liberal? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal? A: Elvis has been sighted. A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars. "Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!" Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner. Q: What do you call a Democrat with an IQ of 130? A: A foursome Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree? A: Wave to him. Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals? A: A whine cellar. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 Democrats. Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat? A: Thirty minutes of begging. Q: What is the Democrat doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. A Democrat found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican. Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a horse? A: I don't know either. Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat? A: Some people actually like sewer rats. Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark. Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.? A: Itâs the only city that is easy enough for them to spell. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A Democrat parade. Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberalâs ear? A: Data transfer. Q: Why don't they let Liberals swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a Democrat. Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure? A: The sack. Q: What's the definition of a Democrat running for Congress for the first time? A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"
It was about 11 am and the bank was rather quiet... until the gang burst in. One guy holding a kitchen knife, the girl brandishing a rusty old 45 that she couldn't even hold straight as she was shaking from head to toe, and the leader waving an aluminum baseball bat and yelling: "OK, mother-stickers, this is a fuc*-up!"
Lost at Sea Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.
I've seen a few variations of this joke here recently but the way Buddy Hackett told it in Las Vegas was classic: A guy walks into a bank, strolls up to a teller, points his index finger at her and says, "This is a fuck up." She says, "No sir, you mean 'This is a stick up' " He says, "No, I forgot my gun, this is a fuck up!"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."