Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by dgabriel, Oct 14, 2002.

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  1. This thread can be browsed but has been closed to new jokes due to the sheer size of it. Continue the fun in this thread.


    A guy on a plane strikes up a conversation with a beautiful female next to him.

    He says, "What are you headed to Las Vegas for?"

    She replies, "I'm headed to the prostitute's convention to present a paper debunking myths."

    He asks, "For example?"

    She replies, "The Frenchman is reputed to be the best lover and actually it's the Jewish man, and the Afro-american is supposed to be the best endowed but it's really the Native American. Oh, I've been talking to you and I don't even know your name."

    He says, "Hi, my name is Tonto Goldstein."
     
  2. THE PERKS OF BEING 40 & OVER

    1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you
    2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
    3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
    4. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
    5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
    6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
    7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
    8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
    9. You can live without sex but not without glasses
    10.You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
    11.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
    12.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
    13.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
    14.You sing along with elevator music.
    15.Your eyes won't get much worse.
    16.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    17.Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
    18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
    19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
    20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

    Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

    1. Sag, you're it.
    2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
    3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
    4. Kick the bucket.
    5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
    6. Doc Goose.
    7. Simon says something incoherent.
    8. Hide and Go Pee.
    9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
    10.Musical Recliners

    Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

    1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
    2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
    you to heat the family room this winter.
    3. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
    4. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
    5. The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gave you four hours of decent rest.
    6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

    Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love, "and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes but you're barefoot.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

    "OLD" IS WHEN.. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
     
  3. Make sure you study these to learn proper guy etiquette!

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
    and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

    4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
    priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
    should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
    whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
    friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
    recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
    BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
    exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

    7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
    off-limits forever.

    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
    running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
    minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
    scale.

    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
    forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
    In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and
    slightly gay.

    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy
    is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
    away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
    is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

    12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
    and he in return is required to grant it.

    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
    until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
    buffalo wing clean.

    14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
    nothin'.

    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
    always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
    who's playing.

    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
    friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
    be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
    joining the priesthood.

    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
    sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
    supermodel... and it's free.

    20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
    remain sober enough to fight.

    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
    must jump into the fight.
    Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
    think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit
    back and enjoy.

    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
    "Yeah, baby, push it!"
    "C'mon, give me one more!
    "Harder!"
    "Another set and we can hit the showers."
    "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
    pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
    his beer.

    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
    she's withholding sex pending your response.

    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
    either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
    a nod is all the conversation you need.

    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
    not, unless you are gay.
     
  4. A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

    A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

    "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
    something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
     
  5. Corporate Rowing

    A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

    So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower: "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

    The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
    Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
     
  6. MrDinky

    MrDinky

    A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
    He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and
    his wooden leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his
    problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the
    following note:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
    handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your
    wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.


    The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
    his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by
    and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
    will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head,
    you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.


    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
    emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so
    again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
    The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:


    Dear Sir,
    Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the
    molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up
    your ass and go as a caramel apple.


    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.
     
  7. DTK

    DTK

    The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving speech
    and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
    They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know,
    I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
    President Bush says "Well your Excellency,anything I can do
    to help you I will do. The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it thereare Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in 'Star Trek.'"

    President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back: "It's because it takes place in the future...."
     
  8. A black man asks his wife to get a halloween costume for him before halloween. After he gets home from work, he notices a superman outfit on the bed.

    Furious, he goes to his wife and tells her, "Superman wasn't black! I can't be Superman! Get me another costume!"

    So the wife, somewhat upset, goes out and picks up another costume. The man gets home and notices on the bed a new batman costume.

    More furious, the man goes back to his wife and shouts, "You ever see a black batman? Of course not! Now go get me a costume I can wear damn it!"

    Angry, the wife goes out and gets a new costume. When the man comes home, he notices three white dots on the bed, a thick white belt and a wooden 2x4.

    Wondering what the hell all of this was for, he asks his wife what kind of costume this is supposed to make.

    His wife replies, "Well, you could go naked and stick these dots on your body and be a domino. You could also go naked and wear that white belt and be an Oreo cookie. You can also take that 2x4 and shove it up your ass and go as a fudge popsicle!!!"
     
  9. why does mike tyson cry during sex?

    that's what happens when you get maced.
     
  10. One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

    When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

    She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

    The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

    She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

    Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

    The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

    The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

    The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

    He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

    The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Aphie and I'm on my way to a costume party!"


    ========================================

    Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

    The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

    The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

    The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
     
    #10     Oct 30, 2002
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