The Gorilla and the Redneck: A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. However, within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined what the problem was. The gorilla was in heat. And to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available to mate with the female. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker who was responsible for cleaning out the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample desire to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper readily agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "She has to wear a "Dale Earnhardt Forever" T-Shirt. Again, the Keeper readily agreed to this condition. "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper, thinking that this was going to be easier than he thought, again readily agreed to this condition. "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want any children to be raised Southern Baptist." The keeper rolled his eyes in disbelief but once again agreed. "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Good news...... I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with." "That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"
I was out on a date with this girl the other night, and she told me she suffers from OCD. I thought to myself, "well this isn't going to work out. I should be getting drunk with my friends." So I said to her, "So did you check the stove before you left?"
I hope this Christmas is less awkward than last year. I totally misunderstood everybody when they started saying "Come on Grandma!" when she was trying to open her present..
The Colonoscopy Journal I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis ... Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon... The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked... Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice, but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere... I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really, I slept through it.. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11.. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12.. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
I went to the Doctors last week with crippling stomach pains but he couldn't work out what was wrong. He suggested I record my bowel movements and make another appointment in a week. Fucker went mental when I turned up with cassette of me passing wind, grunting like a pig and dropping a log in the toilet.
My wife said in 2012 she wants to get involved in some outdoor activities. So for Christmas I've got her a car cleaning/waxing kit.
My wife said she wanted something "made of fur" for Christmas. So I bought her another Christmas tree. ps....hmnnnnn... I think I'll start a line of jokes "My wife said"