An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went like this: ''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'' ''And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn " Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'' There was dead silence on the line for a very long moment......................................... Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER 10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name. 9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional. 8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard. 7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself. 6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra? 5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends. 4. Three words: No shotgun weddings. 3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson. 2. They never have to know you live in your parents' basement. 1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic! It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINOT MORE
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral of the story is, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
The Chinese Delegate At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, "Likee soupee?". The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly. A little later, it was "Likee fishee?" and "Likee meatee?" and "Likee fruitee?" and always the response was an affable nod. At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening - none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of the American neighbor. When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbor and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, "Likee speechee?"
My stupid former son in law thought "Chablis" rhymed with "jobless". god was that guy stupid. then he argues with me. "Yes, fuckchops, jobless like you", I corrected him.
I chased my former son-in-law, down the road, about a few seconds into the chase, he decided to kick off the flip-flops he was wearing, and if he hadn't, I would have caught him, and beat the living shit out of him. True story, can't think of a joke to put it in, but, figured that I would share it. It's kind of funny.