I was watching the pandas at the zoo, with my girlfriend, when one of them walked over and kicked the other one in the balls! "You don't see that everyday", she said. "I know" I replied "They're an endangered species".
A small business puts a 'job vacant' ad in the newspaper, and in a short while 700 applications arrive in the fax. The boss looks at the huge pile, and says to the secretary 'take the top thirty applications from the file, have them come for an interview, and put the rest in the paper shredder'. The secretary says , 'Isn't that unfair? There might be applications from excellent people in the rest of the pile.' The boss replies 'I don't need unlucky guys working here'.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you,he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives,on December 24 in 25 minutes. Men Are Just Happier People
Dear Dr Stunata, For the last two years my wife has had a BO problem. At first she could hide it by washing three times a day and using a whole can of anti-perspirant every other day. Now however we barely have sex as the BO causes me to loose my erection. I'm worried that my marriage is over unless I can find a solution . Please help. Dear Reader, I am so sorry to hear of your desparation and I would really like to help, but I need to know more. Does your wife use a PH balanced moisturizing soap? Try getting her to drink six cups of unbleached Green Tea every day. Dear Dr Stunata, How do I give green tea to her, bearing in mind I removed her head 26 months ago after an argument when she tried to leave the kitchen? Stay tuned........
New York - A prominent psychiatrist in the Manhattan area boldly admitted that after thirty years of âhearing it all,â our society is on a steady decline and we are all basically âwe're all just plain fucking crazy." Wishing to remain anonymous, the doctor spoke from behind a shielded screen to a stunned audience. The doctor also offered up, as further proof of his theory, that his own mental health was in jeopardy after dealing with lunatics day in and day out. âIâm starting to wonder about myself these days. I love the taste of vodka with a valium chaser a lot more than I did in my early twenties." The doctor believes there is no hope on the horizon. âThe world today is short circuiting as we speak.â He said. âSuddenly I'm treating tons multiple personality disorders, pedophiles, rapists, schizophrenics, democrats, and murders⦠and that's just other doctors I treat out of professional courtesy.â When asked by a member of the audience what changes he would like to see in the psychiatric community the doctor replied, "I'd like them to allow me to legally bill a multiple personality disorder for each individual personality. I think that's fair." Under current law psychiatrists may only issue one bill per patient no matter how may personalities they may harbor.
I remember my school counselor once told me I could tell her anything in complete confidence. I said, "When I grow up I'm going to have a Ferrari and a girlfriend with big tits."......
I was bidding for a Computer Game on eBay this morning, when I suddenly got a message saying 'You Have Won This Item' I thought to myself, "This is good, I was just about to pay $26 for that."
I went to a job interview the other day at the Airport, when the interviewer asked me about my interests. I was glad I managed to give a good first impression. "It says here in your interests that you like to walk the dog and that you also like to travel around the world!" he said. "I'm extremely impressed." I absolutely love my yo-yo.
Another hard week in the public sector: Monday: Diversity training Tuesday: Planning for strike day Wednesday: On strike/Xmas shopping Thursday: Whole day bitching about...whatever Friday: Sick day