Three Holy Men & a Bear I Always Loved This One A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment: They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together at the local hospital to discuss their experience. Bostonian Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best Southern Baptist fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah! The priest and the reverend both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, from New York, who was lying in a IC bed, in a body cast and traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. In great pain, he looked up and whispered: "Well, my brothers, truth is, looking back on it, ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
US Stimulus $$$ If Obama has his way, sometime this year or next, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka. * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China, * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help...
The Three Nuns Three nuns were attending a Yankees baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially hindering their view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they would get annoyed enough to move to another section. In a very loud voice, the first man said: I think I am going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there... Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly: I want to move to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there... The third guy yelled, I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there... The Mother Superior turned around, looked at the men and in a very sweet and calm voice said: Why don't you go to hell, there are no nuns there...!!!
One day a student from a private school was walking along a railroad track saying "41, 41, 41, 41". Then a student from a public school walks by and says to herself " Oh, that looks likes fun!!" So she joins the private school student in saying "41,41,41" etc. Then a train comes and the private school student immediately jumps off the tracks. Then she jumps back on the tracks saying"42,42,42."
"Hi, I'm here to fix the fridge." "Oh hi, sure, it's just over here...oh my, that's a big-ass stillson wrench you've got there," she said, caressing my penis. "Well," I said, "it's a pretty big-ass fridge."
Things are so bad..... "My doctor is trying to get me to join the 'Pill of the Month Club'". --John Crudele Special offer for ET members this month. (drum roll) Xanax .... is used to treat anxiety disorders and panic disorder (sudden, unexpected attacks of extreme fear and worry about... pffftttt bearice.
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!" Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
I went to the library and asked the librarian if they have a book on the female clitoris. The librarian says "yes sir we have, but, we cant find it" Ahahahahaha........... ha hah ha!