"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?" "Nutmeg... Would you please call our children by their names."
Truck Pictures This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan Desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your Swine Spirited brother won't let me in without a tie!"
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake" Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman / outdoorsperson !" "No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."